Prince Charming's Complaint!
(Excerpt from a play)
PRINCE CHARMING: Anybody remember that song? That’s right. “Rescue Me”. Fontella Bass… 1965. A golden oldie. To most people it’s a golden oldie. Except for the women I married. To them it’s the national anthem. Maybe it’s the white charger… Maybe it’s the suit of armor… Maybe it’s the royal title… I don’t know. But what I do know is that for some reason the only kind of women I seem to attract are women with a desperate need to be rescued. If only I’ll save them from whatever hell they’ve been forced into, they’re convinced life will be wonderful.
There have been a lot of women in my life… I don’t deny it. I love women. I don’t trust any man who doesn’t love women. My mistake is in marrying them. I’ll give you an example. My first wife… Rapunzel… Great name, isn’t it? Rapunzel. You don’t run into many girls these days named Rapunzel. A lot of Brittany’s and Taylor’s but no Rapunzels. I used to love just saying her name… Rapunzel. When I first met her she’d been locked in a tower by her mother. That should’ve been my first clue. You have to wonder about a woman whose been locked away in a tower by her own mother.
But she begged me to rescue her. She said she would love me forever, if only I’d free her from that tower. Something told me not to get involved and I told her that. Straight out. Up front. I didn’t want to lie. I am Prince Charming, after all. That’s when Rapunzel let down her hair. Guys, am I right? There is nothing sexier than a woman who, at just the right moment, gives her head a shake and unleashes cascades of long, flowing hair? And with Rapunzel, that moment happened in spades. She shook her head and that thick, gorgeous hair started cascading and it never stopped. All I could think about was how that hair was going to look spread out on a pillow.
So what’s the first thing she does right after the “I do’s”? She cuts her hair. “It’s too long”… “It’s not practical”… “It interferes with my back hand”… “I thought you cared about me”… “You only care about my hair”… “My mother was right about you.”
Before the marriage even got going, it was over… That’s when I met Snow White. I went for a ride in the woods to get away, clear my head and there she was. Snow White… If ever a woman was mis-named, it was my second wife. The woman lived with seven guys who worked in a mine for God sakes. Trust me, cooking and cleaning wasn’t the only service she provided. Before she showed up, Happy was just called Phil.
posted by clayfuture at 10:02 AM
6 Comments:
This is hilarious! Really funny, but I think it is cut off in the end. Is there a continuation?
Yes there is. It is a part of a play. Unfortunately, I will have to purchase the script for the rest of it!
u are on drugs rite?
No I'm not! That's why I'm not going to purchase the script! But then again, US$10 is not that much! But no, I'm not going to buy it!
were's the rest of the monologue what's up with that i want to know what happens next
Of course, I didn’t know any of that at the time. She told me she was only there because her mother or stepmother – I could never get that relationship straight - was jealous of her beauty. Do you see a trend developing here? Beautiful girl… crazy, jealous, vindictive mother.
But, hey, if only I would rescue her from her life of servitude,our
life together would be heaven. I
was determined not to going rushing in. Once burned and all that. But,she was the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. On a scale of ten she was a seventeen. So, I promised her she would never have to cook and clean again. And she took me at my word. She never cooked or cleaned or got out of bed, for that matter. As I later learned, her mother didn’t banish her, she kicked her lazy ass out of the house. Which brings me to my last wife. And I do mean my last wife. The doctors told me she had a sleeping disorder. They couldn’t pinpoint the cause although she later told me in private that her stepmother had placed a curse on her. See what I mean by a trend? I’d heard the wicked stepmother routine before and I wasn’t buying. But, when she looked deep into my eyes and told me that I was the only man in the world who could make her eternally happy… Well, from where I was sitting, there was no way that face… and that body…could possibly tell a lie. Anyway, you know the rest. I won’t go into the ugly details but let’s say that when we finally did sleep together… she actually slept.
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